Old Days & New Beginnings

It's funny how the older I get, the older old gets. When I was a child, 30 seemed ancient.
When I turned 30, I realized that middle life probably didn't start until I was 50. I am less than 3 years from 50, and feel no where near half done with this living thing. I am perpetually amazed by the paradoxes of life.

The last month has been tough for me. Not only did I go through 3 important losses at the end of March, but I started learning how to value and love me. These are vital lessons I should have learned 30 years ago(OMG that seems so long ago!), yet, I hadn't. I learned that to love myself I must first fall in love with who I am. I must treat myself with the same honesty wielded with kindness that I would a lover and a friend. I must speak kindly and respectfully to myself and about myself, I must be genuinely intent on manifesting my own best interest, surround myself with people who share similar values and interests, and value the life that I have led. Ultimately, I chose to forgive myself for being oh-so-human and flawed.

There is not a day that goes by without me being acutely aware of how flawed I am. I chose to see these flaws as unique facets of my deep and interesting self. As a child I learned to always make peace in my environment. I owned that job for over 40 years. I no longer work to make peace in my environment, I work to make peace within me. I don't fight my truth any more. I realize the value in cutting my losses, even if that means being perceived as a bitch. I will not sacrifice myself for anyone else's peace or pleasure any longer, for I have raised the bar of being kind to me. To truly be an instrument of peace in the world, I must first master being an instrument of peace to myself. Thank God it only took 47 years to learn this, for it is so vastly different than the thought system I grew up with. Midwifing peace for myself is like giving birth to myself all over again. I am not always sure of how to do it, but I implicitly trust my heart, and follow it's lead. My heart is where the wisest version of myself rules from. My head is filled with a broken child's agenda of fixing everyone else. Hy heart is filled with the Spirit's graceful wisdom of divine personhood. Yes, being your truest version of yourself does make you seem transparent. Ah, but that is my goal. I say yes when I mean yes. I say no when I mean no. You do not have to read between the lines to understand me.
What you see is what you get and I am not a guessing game. It's the only way for me to be real. I will fight for what I believe in, I will protect ardently that which I Love. I will honor the battles I have won and lost. I will glean the gift that every problem holds for me in it's hands. I will surrender to my happiness. I will welcome Joy as my constant companion. I will blow bubbles when I want to. I will offer hugs, and give them when asked for. I will do cartwheels to amuse others. I will laugh at myself, and cry when the clouds of sadness hover overhead for myself and others. I will be best friends with my dog Teddy, and he will go everywhere possible with me. I will talk with and smile with strangers. I will seek original solutions to old and sometimes complex problems. I will talk with God anywhere and everywhere, and I will trust that He and the Loving Spiritual realm conspire in my favor at every given moment. I commit to conspire in my favor at all times, even if it feels like I am the only one doing so.

Being committed to becoming yourself can seem selfish. Yes, there have been many times when I have been self-absorbed. Looking out for and preserving my best interest is of the utmost importance. No longer do I impose my belief of right on others. I impose the belief of living what is right for me alone. This is the difference between narcissism and self-ish-ness. Securing me and my emotional investment is kindness. Wanting others to meet my agenda is manipulation- and that is one quality I gladly surrender to the ever present glow of Love's Truth in my life.

Thank You all for your patience. Honestly, I guess I am thanking myself, all aspects of me. For I lived so long without allowing all those parts of me to unite in the safety of being me.
I See You.
You are beautiful and radiant, shining as the irridescent testimony of a new day,
Much Love,
Laurie