Hello Again....

Wow....I can't believe how much I really need the bigger font.....soon to be 49 and oh the changes in my body.......strange..I never really thought my life would go past 15...so almost 50 is kind of an odd concept.......how did I get here? , and then how do I get to where I want to go?

(reality now kicking in...)

Oh, goody, now I get to figure out where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? What is mine alone to do?? How can I be of service to The All through each and every one of my brothers and sisters? What are my talents, and how do I channel them to honor You Father God in the highest and holiest way? How can I contribute to my own happiness and SUSTAIN it with the delicate balance of courage and innocence?
I have fixed lawn mowers,dishwashers, garbage disposals, washers, dryers, car windows, replaced toilets, changed the brakes on my car, emotionally supported and financially taken care of a family for 25+ years, mostly alone, but with the utmost beloved company as God my father and husband of my heart. Of these things I am certain. He is in constant company with me, I just wish He would show up for me in male human form.....just a true friend....no booty call necessary.

Secretly, in a place where only one other being dwells with me, I am fulfilled spiritually, yet there is this enormous, huge, giant, humungous physical, mental, emotional and energetic space that I am having some trouble filling alone. The fun part is that I get to figure out how to fix this on my own. I have felt so elevated and loved in Spirit, that no ordinary man would ever do for me. I must have extraordinary. Am I spoiling myself? Yep,...but it is time for me to shine as me!!!! And as much fun as I am having, I have it alone, asleep or in my writing. And an obvious deduction, to anyone who may even remotely know me, would know that the more I sleep the more labile my sense of self. As if just by tuning out the world and tuning into me keeps pulling me forward onto this path, my "sleep escape" is a habit that I am ready to lose. I want so desperately to feel fulfilled that I physically ache for it. I have run from this longing for many years, which comically, has only perpetuated the hunger for said fulfillment. God help me find the paid occupational path I am to walk, sprint and run, for I feel so out of place in the "working world".

My destiny stands in my periphery, always summoning me with a beckoning finger....and it runs my dream space.....there is work for me to do for the Magdalene......the expected one.....I want to grow in my love and devotion for you Father God do I need to go to France and study with the Magdalene Order to succeed?......I surrender all I am....every last bit of it it I give to You...just tell me what to do in an ordered and clear way, so that I may excell in every phase of my life. Am I to study the Magdalenes handwritten message?........I really want touch it.....for she is our mother, and I want to know her more intimately. Am I to teach? Am I to write? Am I to speak? I am listening...please help me hear You.
So I keep following the signs, and trusting that everything that shows up on my path is a teacher, and trusting that unless I am clearly instructed otherwise, I am going in the right direction. Help me feel fulfilled, cuz out in the physical "work world" I feel so out of place. I am absolutely at my happiest and most peaceful when I am writing, so Lord God, I count on You to send me an enthusiastic and successful publisher who will share the fruits of the love affair your Spirit has with my fingertips and the QWERTY keyboard.

It is Now April 2012 and I now realize that I need go nowhere to do the work that is mine to do. I have the winning lottery ticket to me.....all I need is to look within, and honor the Magdalene there. Thank God.

Am I slow, as in short-bus slow, or does it take most of us a while to really glean the messages that God puts in our lives? Oh well, alas, I am me....I learn at my pace and as the Indigo Girls so eloquently put it "learning to face your path at your pace makes every choice worth your while."
Amen.
Love and Light, Laurie

Writing the Scripts of Our Lives

~We all write our own scripts for our lives, and we do so with each thought and action.

 If you want to be a hero in your life than find a heroine to spend time with. 

Taking "victim" minded people into your life will one day make you  their "victimizer"....

We create the roles and characters needed in the movie of our life. If we have an unloving agenda towards ourselves we will write roles and command forth those who will support and drive our own feelings of un-loveability. If we chose to have an agenda of love, openness and kindness to self then those supporting characters will also show up, helping reveal how truly amazing we are. When we need someone to play a specific part we draw them in. Make today the greatest version of your highest self. Feel free to re-write your script at every given now................................~

For many, MANY years I prided myself in being able to fix everything for everyone I knew. Yep, that's right, I was a co-dependent extraordinaire! I am sure this talent of my old self was the primary reason I became a nurse. Juggling everybody elses balls in the air was considered a "gift" in my head....until their balls started landing on my head....and at my feet.

I am me. I chose to be me. I can never be another person, can never think exactly like another person, feel exactly like another person, experience what it is like to actually physically "be" another, so how could I ever clean up their messes the way they needed them cleaned up? how could I ever learn their lessons for them in the way they needed to learn them? how could I ever make the decisions for them, without ever having had walked even one baby step in their lives as them? There came a time in my life when I had to let everyone elses balls fall...and take responisbility for my own. This may sound easy, but indeed, it was unpleasant and heartfelt painful. Everyone who had been relying on me to juggle for them quickly noticed. That's when in their eye's I became a "bitch" and a "let down".

Trying to live someone elses life for them and struggle through their mire of "baggage" made me feel like a hero, like a success. My self worth was dependent upon the way others saw me, the way others felt about me, the way others interpreted my actions. The World Class Other's Ball Juggler was how I knew my value. What a shock to me when I found out that no matter how well I juggled their balls, at some point they would meander out of my path, and thereby take my sense of value, self and worth with them.

This was when I learned the greatest lesson of my life:

I determine my value, worth and loveability by who I am to ME, how I feel about ME, what I think about ME and my actions, and therefore how I interact with the world around me as ME. So no matter who or what wanders in and out of my life I remain intact and whole and absolutely valuable, worthy and lovable and able to make my life right no matter what happens.

Then I had to take responsibility for the collateral damage my unkind thought paradigm had caused. There were others who had no idea how to juggle their own lives since I had done it for them.When I left them to figure out what to do with their own lessons, struggles and challenges I became "persona non grata", AND ***BONUS*** I had to learn to feel good about me in spite of their opinions. That point in my life totally sucked. Difficult, hard, trying, challenging...these words come no where near the depth of fear, frustration and anger I experienced. I had juggled their balls for them for so long through such difficult times, how could they be so unkind and ungrateful???? Unfortunatley it took a great deal of time to figure out that I had been doing them a great disservice. They needed to learn how to juggle their own balls, and how to manage their losses when the "balls came tumblin down" (John Mellencamp pseudo-reference for all you groovy people out there), and how to have confidence in their own ability to make their lives right again.

Having marched forward through that time yielded a new, holier and more solid me. forged by fire so to speak (which by the way I think would be an awesome name for a coffee shop- Forged By Fire). Everyday I am afforded the opportunity to go back to my original script thinking and acting.....pleasing others as the goal, by meeting their agenda's and expectations of me or choosing something more self kind. THANK GOD I now know that "be"ing me is the greatest gift I can give myself and the world around me. Trusting others to find and follow their own destiny is now a relief, although at times some of my stronger friends have to remind me when I slip into Juggler status.

About a week ago, I slipped into Juggler mode, or maybe I needed an instant "ego" boost so I created the situation to serve my ego at that moment. Either way, here is what I have learned:

We all write the script for our lives, including the supporting cast, that will meet our imagined "needs". If I am used to feeling like a victim then I will either attract a victimizer into my life, or attract someone into my life who will be invested in "fixing" me and my situation. Either way, they are set up for failure...for what I am really looking for is someone to help me continue to play the victim, and if that is my script, then no matter how hard you try to help me, one day I will make you my victimizer. If I need to feel in control then I will attract people who want to be controlled, or will become manipulative in my relationships, either way, I will force my need for control onto you and our relationship. If I feel unloveable then I will attract people who willingly degrade me, or I will act unloveable until, exhausted you will give in and admit that I just may be unloveable. We get what we expect. On the flip side....I chose to see myself as loveable so I attract people into my life who not only find me and my nature beautiful, but people who are in love with who they are as well, and together we fall in love with each other. I choose to see myself as a success, so I attract success filled situations and opportunities into my life, along with people who are on their own authentic success journey's, and together we create a world where their is enough success to go around for everyone to recieve and revel in.

Be You. Please. As you are right this moment you are beautiful enough, worthy enough, valuable enough, magnificent enough and lovable enough. Just sitting right there, breathing in and out as YOU....that's all you have to do and be. We are not here to act out some death defying feats to impress others. We are here to do what is ours alone to do. Finding someone who digs your journey as much as they dig their own is an absolute miracle. For those of you who have that someone I bless your love and light. For those of us who wait for that kind of companionship to find us I pray that we eagerly reach out to each other, and recognize our own inherent beauty within another, until we remember it first hand for ourselves. Love will claim us all, it already has. We just need to remember........

All my love to all of you,

Peace to your hearts and to the hearts of all those you love,

Laurie

Life Lesson's Fun Facts

My Dear Friends,

I pray that this note finds each of you buoyed in an ocean of love, passion and abundance. As this is my dream for me, so shall I hold it sacred in my heart for each of you as well.

I have learned so much about me and this 3-d world we live in since I started my sales job on January 12, 2011! I’ve learned that those who need me will find me, and the teachers I need will show up for me.

About 8 months ago I went to the beach and begged, pleaded, cried, screamed, demanded, commanded, and begged again, for God, Spirit and Jesus to lead me to my destiny, as this had been my prayer over the last 4 years. “SEND ME A TEACHER!(stomping my feet)….I WANT TO LEARN …..I WANT TO BE TAUGHT(jumping up and down)…..I AM TIRED OF LEADING(crying)……SEND ME A SPIRITUAL TEACHER(wailing, various facial fluids dripping off my chin)………JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO VERY CLEARLY AND I WILL DO IT GOD(beating my chest)…….…REMEMBER THAT I AM IN A FINITE HUMAN CONTAINER AND I NEED YOU TO BE VERY CLEAR WITH ME(hands in the air, wiping my nose with a crunchy old napkin I found in my sweater pocket)……IF YOU CAN’T GET YOUR GOD HEAD AROUND THE IDEA OF BEING LIMITED , BECAUSE YOU ARE WITHOUT LIMIT, THEN I SUGGEST YOU GO CHAT IT UP WITH YOUR SON, JESUS. HE ENCOUNTERED THIS VERY ISSUE DAILY DURING HIS TIME HERE ON EARTH, GO ASK HIM, HE‘LL GIVE YOU THE 411 ON BEING HUMAN(pointing fiercely at the sky in a scornful manner)….. BE THE LAMP UNTO MY FEET NOW…………….PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!! “, and on and on and on……

This Goddess turned a simple request into a full on bitch session and a temper tantrum……and THEY were listening……..

Apparently the Universe has a response time of about 5 months, kinda like my e-mail response time and it comes just as asked for. So when I started my new job in sales and found myself presented with oh so many opportunities to learn, adjust, ACCEPT and then let go, I did what most wise spiritual mystics do….I resisted. Ha! It seems that I learn the depth of the gift in the situation before me if I resist it vehemently to begin with. I would love to write here that I embrace all change and new situations with wisdom and tranquility from a very balanced space within me, unfortunately that would be a blatant lie (and I suck at lying, mostly because I can barely remember if I ate today, so remembering some lie I told always get’s me busted.). There is a great phrase that I quote often, whom the brainiac is that coined this phrase is I do not know, but to her/him I give the kudos.

“What you resist, persists.”

Yep,…..and it won’t leave no matter what means of denial you use to pretend it doesn’t exist. Bottle of wine? Shot of tequila? Bong hit? Chocolate? A loaf of hot French bread and some melted cheese? Working too much? Sleeping too much? Shopping? Complaining? Bitching about the not getting laid? Having too much sex? Screaming? Crying?……..nope, anything that takes your attention away from your integrity and the challenge at hand will not make it go away. The only antidote for the irritant right in front of you is to embrace it, and search it thoroughly with your heart.

Honestly, my first approach to something potentially painful and internally labor intensive is done with my scientific mind. I make a decision to be brave and turn around and acknowledge the cleverly disguised gift in front of me. I have had the gift of “learning patience” show up in the most adorable outfits, smelling of tremendous naivete (which incidentally carries the aroma of baby powder, go figure) ….and usually is very young and totally unaware. The gift of "humility" showed up in a nurses uniform, with a name tag that had clinical manager on it, a cigarette hanging out of it’s mouth and same zeal I have for the “F” word. Not sure if ya’all have noticed, but my gifts seem to come to me in the EXACT OPPOSITE FORM OF WHAT I AM TO LEARN ! Really cool right?

(eavesdropping on God’s conversation with my guardian Angel Ezriel about 2 years ago)

“hhmmmm…Looks like it’s time for Laurie to learn some inner peace, so how are we stocked for drama and chaos Ezriel? Got anything lined up? Perhaps she is ready for an “inner peace-release from stuff” combo? So go ahead and send some drama her way, and decrease her income so she can learn to let go of all that crap she has accumulated over the years trying to avoid these lessons. But send her sweetness, yes a grand-daughter will be good, and bless her relationships with her youngest daughter and her sister and her friend Kelly. We wanna help her learn and let go, not destroy her.”

Making a conscious decision to approach a potential emotional major

“ow-wie” is kinda like admitting you are 22 unmarried and 7 months pregnant to your parents whom you live with( been there tried to do that). There just ain’t no way around it. Approaching the little gift at hand with my analytical mind buys my heart a little time to prepare for the sword of truth that is about to come millimeters from my emotional jugular, it maintains some illusion of control, and comforts me. My mind introduces the “gift” to my heart with an amazing inspirational cheer. “You got this Laurie! You can do this! It is another wonderful gift coming to strengthen and support your journey! Embrace it! This will only Bless your journey! You are awesome!“

Rah-freakin -rah….woot wooot…yee-haa another lesson to learn. Yet, reliably, the closer I get to the core of the situation, the more I realize that the only control I really do have is how I chose to respond to it…..then the tears come……and I let go.

“shit just got real”…..in my face.

The next thing I do is send love to the situation and bless it, and wink at my heart, good Lord it is so strong! Letting go of the fear is different from resisting fear, which would fall back into the category of “Life Lesson Avoidance Techniques” addressed several paragraphs prior. I have often heard(and quoted) “Don’t be afraid”, “Trust”, “have Faith”…….sure, those truths are easily shared when the issue at hand has nothing to do with the loving advice giver. And honestly, my initial gut reaction to that advice when it lands in my face is “Screw you! Easy for you to say! I am the one who is going to have to do all the emotional and spiritual work here and this kind of pain BLOWS……” or something similarly self-pitying, yet eloquent.

This weekend I found myself at a sales and distribution conference in Charlotte, NC. I was panic stricken for the first hour and a half of the drive. I had become a distributor for an anti-aging line of products that I really knew nothing about. What I did know, was that I was being spiritually internally commanded to do so, something to do with “walking my destiny”.

I drove to Charlotte, found relaxation and solace in seeing my old friends the mountains again (yes I realize that the hills in Charlotte are not technically mountains, but Myrtle Beach is 10 feet below sea level and flatter than 5 day old road kill, so cut me some slack please). I was supposed to register for the conference on-line but as I currently am without “Internet Security” (food is more of a priority than renewing my Nortan Anti Virus plan), I chose not to post my bank card # on-line. I had notified my upline that I would be attending and contacted the kind woman in charge to reassure her that I would be attending. Due to the financial gift I am learning now ( to be open to receive and feeling worthy) I did not have a hotel room, so a lovely woman in my upline hooked me up with the guy who drives the company RV across the USA, who just happened to be the gentleman leading the conference. I was graciously invited to stay in the RV for free. Somehow, I got the impression I would be staying in the RV alone or with my friend who was interested in going, or maybe I assumed I would be staying in the RV alone.

I got to the conference 5 minutes before it was to start. I knew nobody there, and tried to find the leader Alan, without any success. I have always been that person who sits right in the front of the classroom under the teachers nose…no seats up front so I sat in the 4th row, behind groups of people hugging and laughing with each other. Alan came in and we got started. It was interesting. He referred to “intention” suggested that the distributors send “love and loving intention” to their clients/prospects, he addressed the fact that we all have thought paradigms that prohibit or EMPOWER us, and encouraged everyone to address their blocks to their success, he spoke about thinking outside of your normal paradgims, what traditionally has been called “the box”. He talked about human reaction to change and the perception of change as influenced by our fear or faith. People around me were intrigued and perplexed….how do we address our blockage? How do we figure out what our blockage is? Where does my blockage come from? What is outside the box? How do you set an intention? How can love EMPOWER? I could hear others muttering “Ignore your fear.“ “Think past your fear”, “Destroy your fear!” It was all I could do to remain sitting and quiet. I know how to explore every one of these issues with other humans, and how to help each eager person to do the archeological dig of self that will reveal the answers they need to BE THEIR DIVINE AND HOLIEST SELF

LlVING THEIR DIVINE AND HOLIEST DESTINY!

And it all starts with addressing your fear with no resistance in an absence of self-judgement.

Have you ever seen a frightened child? I was a frightened child, and had a father who would scream at me for being afraid, in fact, he would threaten my life because I was afraid. FUN FACT: fear can only be dissolved with love, threatening someone in fear only amplifies the fear.

I wanted to get up and address the audience. I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF! I KNOW HOW TO HELP, BECAUSE I DID IT ALL FOR MYSELF!!!! YIPPEEE ALL THAT HARD INTERNAL WORK, NOW I GET TO USE IT, SHARE IT, HELP OTHERS FIND PEACE AND JOY !!!!

And so I wrote a small note and tried to give it to the facilitator.He barely remembered the phone calls I had with him, or the fact that I was supposed to stay in the RV……he made suggestions of what we should address within ourselves and I wanted us to break into groups to work on identifying our blockages, and help each other see where we resist giving or receiving or being a team player or resist our magnificence, ……….but instead we worked on an affirmation.

Now maybe I am unique in this thought, but in order for an affirmation to work don’t you have to believe you are worthy of it’s request and vision?

If you want to build a team, then you have to address what the team needs to become strong. Confidence, Worthiness, Value, Love-ability, Sincerity-these personal knowings for each team member directly impacts the efficacy of the team. For if your team members do not have confidence, or self value or a inner knowingness of worth, how can they ever sell their dreams to another? And isn’t that what we are doing? We are sharing a personal story of our life with another being, telling them how this business can bless them, and how it can bless us……if the sales person/distributor is not convinced of his/her own worthiness is he or she ever going to ask for the credit card in a sale? NO!

A TEAM IS ONLY AS STRONG AS IT’S WEAKEST LINK…….AND IF YOUR TEAM DOESN’T FEEL WORTHY, AND HAS NO IDEA HOW TO DISSOLVE OLD THOUGHT PARADIGMS THAT KEEP THEM FEELING UNWORTHY, THEN THE TEAM WILL NOT FLOURISH OR PRODUCE……!!!!!! Trust me on this……my mothering skills were infused with old paradigms of unworthiness and it seriously created huge challenges within my children for them to accept their own inherent value.

I became frustrated, and as I had gotten no more than 5 hours of sleep any given night the week before I was way tired as well. So I dialogued internally….do I take the leader aside and give him all my suggestions? Do I share my suggestions with my group when we were supposed to be writing our stories and affirmations, usurping others time and their work productivity? Or do I behave, and not give Alan the note I had written, and not say anything, because playing small is safer, and I hadn’t pissed anyone off yet at the conference, except the guy whose water got knocked over by my curvaceous behind? So I decided that I would sleep on it all, and share with Alan on Sunday., and besides, I really wanted to get my affirmation done, and help others if they were open to it, and I couldn’t wait for the product description part of the program.

Unfortunately the product description part of the program started at 8:15 pm….the lovely millionaire couple got up in the front of the room and the enchanting woman shared what she carried in her purse, and then shared the products she uses on her face, her daily regimen….and as her husband jokingly commented on the PV she had no trouble meeting every month, I was doing the math in my head, trying to figure out how I could afford to only use the company products and keep on eating and paying my electricity bill. I wanted to know what was in these things…what kind of ingrediants? What was the research? Do these products that work with our bodies on the genetic level make us GMO? Is is safe? Is it good for our bodies? Are the ingredients all natural? What are our business core values? What is our mission statement? What do we as a business aspire towards? Do you know that krill oil is essential in treating in auto-immune diseases, including kidney disease? That Ginkgo cures Raynauds, and significantly decreases the symptoms of PVD? Have they used the spa device to administer medications or treat arthritic joints? Has reiki ever been used on the products before they are put on the skin?

OH MY GOD!!!!! I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY, ASK, SHARE!!!!

But I said very little. I was a tired and afraid to piss anyone off when I didn’t have the mental clarity to hold my ground with the challenging thoughts that were going through my brain. So again, I decided to sleep on it.

Finally at 10:50 pm we moved into the lobby and Alan lead us in a mediation. It was a sweet sincere meditation , which I am sure took many people out of their comfort zone. I felt comforted by the familiarity of the chakra meditation. At 11:45 the night was over,I was collecting myself when I heard several gentleman talking about spending the night in the RV. 20 years ago I would have gladly joined them and kept the party going out there, but I was tired, feeling vulnerable, didn’t have the $ for a hotel room and wondered what I was going to do. Then Alan gathered the team leaders together and started preparing them for the Sunday events. He instructed the leaders to be hard on us, to whip us into shape, because we all showed up to strengthen our East Coast Team, and we wanted to be whipped into shape.

FunFact: Whipping someone into shape by being really hard on them, while the person being molded has no self-confidence or sense of worth will only undermine your team creation. Teach each team memeber how to heal and love and trust themselves and then they will naturally step into the leadership role that is inherently and divinely theirs. If someone has no self-worth or weak confidence, then, and trust me on this, they are already whipping themselves more brutally than anyone else could ever do. And all the harshness with which they are being treated only CONFIRMS THE UNHEALTHY PARADIGMS THAT ARE CURRENTLY RULING IN THEIR HEADS!

I had to make a choice, to go sleep for 6-7 hours in an RV with several men who I don’t know, challenging my safety issues(been raped 6 times by acquaintances in the last 21 years) and would require more energy then I had at that moment, with a day of “being whipped into shape with harshness” to look forward to…….so I breathed in and out, prayed, and then I lied.

And I HATE lying. I always rat myself out.

I told my group leader that my daughter had called and needed me to come home. And I left.

I was too tired to stand up for what I believe in, and I really didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. So I took the easy way out. And when I got home at 4 am my daughter was glad to see me, and I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.

I am proud of me. I am worthy of great and glorious things, and I have amazing insights to share and inspire. But for today, I will rest, and issue forth an apology to anyone who may feel let down by my inertia. I am exhausted and still none the wiser about the business I became a part of. I did learn two things that will alter my life forever :

1) Our spa device has more potential for use for healing than any other device I have ever seen, because it uses ENERGY AND LIGHT

( the very essence of God hisveryownself).

2) I must contact Margaret Ruby. I have been holding sacred vision for a spiritual teacher for a long time, and she is to be it.

Keep looking for the signs and pay attention to how your life speaks, and the story it tells of you,

Much love to all,

XOX

Laurie

401-206-2676 feel free to call!