Mission: Peace on Earth

How's everyone doing?

Yeah I know. I've been going through some less than light-filled times, and being true to my journey with this on-line spiritual diary, I had to share the truth of my experience. To those of you who have been following me since the beginning, what I am about to say may seem redundant. I would like to clarify a few things, and share some remembrances I've had.

My dream since I could fathom the word dream, has always been to bring Peace to our Earth. When I was 5 I first heard the song "Let There Be Peace On Earth." It changed my life! To this day, every time I sing that song tears stream from my eyes. "Let it begin with me." Yep that's it. About 7 months ago I realized the key word in that song was "me". I started really contemplating how peace would begin with me....I worked for the homeless....I volunteered at my church....I had been an RN for 25 years and had given healing and love to many people....yet the efforts I had put forth didn't seem to help me see a world of peace around me. Then it hit me: How could I midwife peace into the world if I couldn't even midwife into my own life? Aye there's the rub.....it was time to go deeper down the rabbit hole.

Everything I learn I want to share. I had to find a way to share this information with the world, and prayed that those who would benefit from it would be led to it. I still pray for this. I realize that this is just a picture of my journey, not the only way to find inner peace, but my own experiences. If anyone else can learn from them or recieve a catalyst for their own growth as a result of reading my soul notes then ....YEAH!!!!!! For humans, it has been tradition to learn best from our own mistakes and experiences, but this is now shifting. I can feel it. The advent of self-help guru's guide us on our journey's, and though I am only my ownself-help guru, I offer to support your journey as well.

When I was very young I was offered two major lies to own for myself. They were 1) Innately as I am , I am unloveable and unworthy of love and 2) Innately as I am, I am untouchable and unworthy of touch. These were messages that were coming from the grown-ups in my life, and because they were my everything I believed these statements. For 46 years they guided all my decision, all my thought patterns and therefore my reality. Last fall I attended a Psyche K workshop run by Reverend David Hiller at my church. I had decided it was time to undo these lies, and David's program promised to permanently shift thought paradigms. I was in! Now, please understand, I have always been an excellent student at everything I studied. And my spirituality was not exempt from this study. I had never failed at learning anything. Never. So that Sunday afternoon I sat in the class, and when it was my turn to shift from the lies to ingraining the Truth into my cranium, well, I freaked out. Full on panic attack. I flunked the class. I couldn't do it. I couldn't let go in public. I was naked and exposed and visably stuck, as everyone else claimed abundance and peace and health. I couldn't speak. And therefore, I was devastated. My failure only served to support the lies that had guided me for most of my life. But then I did something really brave, I signed up to meet with David in a private session.

Through David's skill, patience and love I was offered an atmosphere were I was safe to claim my truth, and here is my affirmation that I recite to myself daily, and know it as my Truth:

As a beloved, divine child of God I am absolutely loveable and worthy of love, and I am absolutely touchable and worthy of touch, as a beloved divine child of God I am.

So I started building a new mental, emotional and spirtual infrastructure with these truths as my foundation. This on-line diary is my journey through the excavation and archeological digs of me and my life. I will remember and own my inner peace completely, for it is our divine Birthright to own it for ourselves. As I learn, so will you. We need only our self-acceptance and self-validation, for in the end it is only us and God. Accepting myself and all aspects of me will give me emotional freedom. Knowing that I tell the truth to myself, and that my memories are real will liberate me from the bondage of repeating my story. Once these two vital cornerstones are firmly in place, Peace will manifest effortlessly within and around the very strucure of me. My light will shine, and I will have finally.....

awakened with wings.

Much Love to Each and Everyone Of You,

Laurie

The painting at the beginning of this post is one of my watercolor paintings from over a year ago. It is titled "Awakening".

The Letter

I awoke today with the words to describe how it feels to be me: Splintered Soul. I journaled about this phrase throughout church (Unity Christ Church). I came home and googled the phrase, and found it to be a diagnostic term used to determine the need for soul retrieval. I am 47 years old and have fought to LIVE for that entire time. I cannot remember a time when I didn't think "crossing over" sounded like the optimal option. The hope of ending my life when I finally have had enough is what keeps me going. Odd, isn't it? The comfort I feel in the thought of death? That very comfort is what keeps me breathing, although in many ways I feel comatose. This is a very difficult and intimate thing I am sharing with you, but honestly, the privacy doesn't matter anymore. I want to be fully alive or be fully dead. I am doing both things part way and the duplicity of the relationship I have with myself leaves me devoid of meaning or direction. At night, my soul returns in my sleep and I feel most myself and finally at "home". I don't want to waken. It is almost as if my body and my soul cannot occupy the same space, as if they have grown so distant from each other, that they are not at all comfortable or safe in each other's presence. How do I convince my soul that it is safe to return fully to my body, my life and my experience? How do I convince my body that it is not in physical danger when my deep and empathic soul is merged with it? There exists a chasm of fear between my body and soul, and even being an expert bridge builder, this leaves me at a loss.......creatively morabund in healing these two essential and most beloved aspects of my being-ness. How do I merge them? I don't want to force them, or coerce......Love is the greatest healing salve, but how does my body apply healing tears to my soul who will not get near it? and how does my soul embrace my body with the healing balm of truth when my body physically crumbles at the overwhelming fear associated with being spiritual? I am at Destiny's Crossroad, and I need a teacher. Jesus is my main man, and my role model. I realize that spiritually I have some beautiful and powerful Angelic protectors and guides, and that many loving beings surround me. Right now, though, I need someone with skin on to help me through this. I am willing and ready to show up and do the work. Being so very splintered has left me unable to work since February 2009, and severely depressed and isolated. I self-isolate so that I won't hurt anyone else, that being something I have feared for my entire life.

Yes there are many reasons for the splinters, physical, emotional, sexual, mental and spiritual abuse...yes I have had the opportunity to learn from everyone of them. I want to live, I want to know what it is like to feel "Life Is Good", I've never felt that. I want to know the excitement of breathing, and being grown-up. On a good day I feel at most 16. Funny, now that I write that I realize that I thought I would be dead by the time I was 16. Everyday of my life for 38 years I was guaranteed that I'd be dead by morning.

I know I can manifest anything I want and need. I choose this healing out of all the things in the world. For without this healing, everything else will have little if any meaning.

 I WANT MY SOUL BACK!!!!!!!! I've heard my stories ad nauseaeum and I want action. 30 years of talking therapy has kept me alive and helped midwife me into this deeply spiritual place, but I need something bigger, and more powerful. I'm sure being an RN for 25 years and being part of so many peoples traumas only magnified my soul and body fears, for I am a powerful healer and empath. Oddly enough, this is something I will heal on my own with or without outside help.

May seeds of light bloom at your feet, wherever they may be,

Laurie Marinelli

www.awakeningwithwings.blogspot.com/

This is my online spiritual diary.

I will awaken with wings................................

Before I chose to post this insight, I asked my daughter Natalie to read it. With tears in her eye's she looked at me and said "I have something I want to read to you that will give you an ides of why I understand you mommy. Why I can genuinely support you."

Natalie brought me this poem which she wrote when she was 13:

Alone & Asleep

I lay in my room

alone & asleep

Dreaming the dreams

That I wish I could keep

I dream of a life

Where I feel not ashamed

And there love is real

& I am not blamed

For things I don't do

and things just go away

and once in my life,

I actually feel okay.

The things that I feel

Alone & Asleep

These feelings I hope

that I could so keep.

But when I wake up,

Reality Hits

And my world of a dream

becomes pieces and bits.

No longer am I

Alone & Asleep

But in a world

that will make me weep.

Where life is lonely

and no one's around

to take care of you

when life turns you down.

The life that I had

Alone & Asleep

is now long gone,

I took a big leap.

Into THIS world

where I do not belong

and wish for that place

where I 'm safe and I'm strong.

The bravery it takes

to be here and now,

the other place I want,

But NOW, Tell Me How.

How do I get

to that place I so long...

Alone & Asleep

is where I belong.

-Natalie Vazquez, 09/2004

I am humbled, and naked.....oh this is so humbling.......my daughter carries part of me....my depth.....and my height.......oh the life she will lead, and the stories she will tell.

8/12/14 4 am update: I just re read this and am cut to the quick with the sadness of Natalie's poem. Right now my daughters are going through some difficult grief and some old wounds keep them from seeking comfort with me. I heard her poem as she read it to me 4 years ago but I didn't feel it. Now I feel it. She was mirroring how lost I felt and that lost part of me encultured her own feelings of not being a part of anything. 
I am so sorry Natalie. I am learning and practicing  feeling "found" within myself, to feel at home in this body and this life. I pray that as I grow you will feel more found and at home in your own life. I wish I could kiss your boo-boos and fix them with a band-aid. I am here. I love you. I always will.
Come to me when you are ready.
With open arms and heart I wait. Practicing patience.

You are Precious,
Mom

(Laurie)

Duality Challenging

Hi again.

So she has been on vacation, the muse that is, and now that she has returned, the urge to write is unavoidable.

I have heard it said that the depths we experience on this human journey are comparable to the heights we can experience as well. I can understand this, as we are duality incarnate. As an author I write to convey the messages my heart yearns to share, even though I live for the moments that cannot be put into words. Oh the beauty of my duality! I have witnessed a great deal of loss in my life as of late, and the understanding of being "pruned back" to make way for new growth harkens me forward. The pain of the pruning can be more than an "ouch" experience. Honestly, it has elicited a tirade of expletives that would make a sailor blush. I have applied many metaphoric band-aids to my pruned spaces, but the pain outweighed the messages. It seemed more creative to complain with humor, than to invest my creative nature into healing and moving on. The Universe does not stop when I am emotionally and creatively moribund. It keeps moving and growing, and evolution will not wait for me to throw a temper tantrum and get over myself. Even if my own personal galaxy, The DragonCharming Laurie Galaxy, comes to a bitter halt and starts to wobble out of cosmic alignment, Life, and Destiny will prevail in spite of my digging my heels into my darkness.

It's an interesting phenomenon, the light and dark metaphor. Learning to see that the dark side of my experience is not a punishment has been tough. The earth turns, that which experiences light will soon experience darkness. It is the genuine flow of life to bring light to that which once was kept in the dark. The Universe/God does not wield this power out of malice, though that is sometimes how it feels. This power is wielded out of Love, and the opportunity for us to bring Love and Light to every facet of our being-ness. It is a harmonic capability that when embraced, yields tremendous healing and vision beyond that of our 5 senses. Yin is not the opposite of Yan. Dark is not the opposite of Light. Fear is not the opposite of Love. Despair is not the opposite of Hope. Faith is not the opposite of atheism. They are all blended musical chords that played individually will yield a simple melody. Combined together in rhythmic pattern, they will render our Life's Song as a Symphony. One begets the other, and makes way for the next and truer version of the other to come to Life/Light.

Embracing only the Joy will breed apathy, embracing Joy and Sadness will breed a commitment to living the Truth of our lives. I have learned that I cannot hold on to those experiences that are only pleasant without suffocating the life out of them. I must receive them, and then let them go, for I cannot receive the newest version of what I need with my hands still full from yesterdays lessons.

As a species, humanity is at a crossroad. Discerning The Truth from what has been our truth will determine the path we undertake now.

It is in the ebbing and flowing of life where the patterns lie, and the messages are beheld within life's mess. It is in the waxing and waning of life's mysteries where the bewitchment of continuing to live beckons us forward. Remembering the magic of who I am can seem fleeting. Thank you all for being the Magic of Life Incarnate, so that I may remember who I am. I see you, and you help me remember me.

My heart and soul embrace you.

May Seeds of Magic Enchant your soul, and beckon you forward into your own Charmed Spell of Life.

Laurie

Finding Avalon

Hello All,

I have been working to hurry up and get through the mists, so that I may find my muse again. Pushing, and shoving the fear around, as if that was all it needed in order to be melted away. Hurry, hurry, hurry, push, push, push, shove, shove, shove. It has not worked so well. And, because I function best when I can see clearly, I have been blocking my own ability to work through the clouds of illusion. In other words, I have been experiencing "stuck". This morning I was looking through my library for a "light read" that would afford me the break from feeling so off track, that I could no longer find the value in breathing. My hand reached into the mass of books, and withdrew Gary Zukov's "Seat of the Soul". I have owned this book since it's first printing in 1989, 21 years now. I have set out to read it a few times, but the vocabulary was something I hadn't been familiar with, and it has remained unread. Today when I opened it I recognized the message as that of my own. It's funny how when the student is ready the teacher will show up. Twenty-one years later I am ready for Gary Zukov.

Being stuck in the mire of life has been frustrating. My head knows that I am living in a 4-wheel drive physical being, and my wheels have been spinning in the mud of my life. I have been waiting on a friend to help me remember how to get this vehicle to move into 4 wheel drive and free me from the muck-stuckness. I have fought out loud with God, demanded that He show up for me, insisted that I deserve Him to show me the way, reminded Him of my willingness to serve Him, lectured Him on the fact that He had provided Jesus with 12 men and 2 women as companions and cheerleaders 24/7/365, and instructed God to talk with Jesus if He needed to understand the human need for intimacy. I have bitched and moaned and whined and felt physical pain for the past month, due to my unwillingness to let go and feel "Hurray" instead of "Hurry". I have been a whiny petulant child wanting Him to do it for me, and instead what I found this morning is the creative drive to find it for myself.

Two days ago I was feeling so lost, I sobbed to my daughter, a wise and beautiful almost 19 year old. I hadn't done my taxes, and truth be told, the reason I hadn't done them was because I didn't think I'd still be around and breathing come April 15, 2010. I had been counting on my spiritual address changing to something without a zip-code. It had been up to me to change that zip-code, and when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it. My daughter Natalie grabbed me by the shoulders and said

"Mommy, you have to trust God, you have to trust the signs, but you can't see them with your eyes closed. Open your eyes mommy. OPEN YOUR EYES! Know that the only way past this is through the freakin middle of it, and YOU CAN DO THIS! God will take care of you with you, but you have to be willing to meet Him half way."

How did this child of mine ever get so wise?

In this vast sea of life I have lived by a simple metaphor. I have often heard that as a human we should come with an instruction manual. The God I work for would not birth us onto this planet without some inherent guidance, so, many years ago I set out to search for "The Missing Instruction Manual For Living 101". Years of looking outside of myself yielded nothing. A few clear moments of extreme searching within yielded the Truth. It took all the courage I could muster to find the instructions, for there was a huge alligator and piranha infested moat between me and them. Beauty befell me, when I realized that they were my alligators and piranha's, and I was the only one who could charm them. Befriending the aspects of me that appeared less than friendly was one of my more important resurrections, it gave me the courage to continue blessing the aspects of myself that are so desperately in need of love and believe they are seperate from God, the source of all Love. Everyday a new aspect of myself emerges, or exposes itself as a need for healing and blessing. Resurrection no longer being the destination, but the journey.

The instruction manual lies within the very essence of who we are. As God is weaving the fabric of our soul together, He intertwines the things that bring us individually True Joy. A good glass of red wine can bring me joy, but that is temporary. Good sex can bring me joy, but this is also temporary. These are not the things of joy that I am referring to. When we explore who we are, and then determine the things within us that bring us everlasting joy, and ***BONUS*** benefit the world around us eternally, then we have tapped into our wealth as a being. Figuring out what truly makes our heart beat eagerly, keeps us yearning for continued breath, keeps our perspective at a higher level, and makes life's challenges worth overcoming is vital. As a ship sets sail from port, heading out to sea, it must follow it's channel markers. The channel markers show the way that is safe and deep enough to allow the boat to flow out to sea without running aground, or damaging it's hull. The things in our hearts and souls that bring us true joy in our lives are our channel markers. If we go firmly in the direction of the things that inherently make us joyful beings, then all we will leave in the wake of our life is happiness, beauty and wisdom. Trying to get our ships out onto the sea of life without using our channel markers of joy leaves chaos, panic and disorder in our wake, and inevitably, we run aground.

John Lennon once said "Living is easy with eyes closed." In many ways I must ignore the world and it's painfilled agenda, in order to keep living. Not having had cable in 3 years certainly helps keep the agony of the world at bay. But to live my life, honoring the gifts I have to share, the gifts that bring me utter joy, I must keep my internal eyes always open. I choose to see the good in all things, even if it takes me a month or more to find them. I choose to experience the beauty of life, even if I have to fight my demons over the dominion of my happiness. And God's good will always conspire in my favor, as long as I keep within my channel markers. Life-serving, Life-honoring, Life-giving channel markers......these are my ships treasure map, and I will always follow it.

May all your treasure maps be guided by YOUR JOY!

Utterly Loving You,

Laurie

Hugs Needed: Apply Within

Hello all.

It's been 2 tough weeks, and now that the numbness and shock has worn off, the sadness and the tears have arrived. It's tough for me to write words of encouragement when I am feeling one breath away from disintegration. When I am faced with learning some difficult lessons, I go within my cave. I withdraw from the life around me, and step fully into the life within me. It takes me time, and tenderness to embrace the changes and the gifts. Integrating the impact these new findings have on my life is deeply intense. Although I appreciate my ability to learn the lessons, I don't do well with the isolation thing. It becomes physically painful, which only adds another dimension to an experience that is already tough. How I wish I had someone to climb in my cave with me, and not be afraid. This human thing is so tough sometimes, and I cherish the knowing that one day I'll have someone to share life with. A partner in joy, and a reminder of what I intrinsically know about myself and everyone else. Someone to remember hope with, celebrate being human with, and accept unconditionally.

Although you all may find this redundant, I am incapable of small talk today. I ache for symmetry in being....what I mean by that is... we always provide each other in all relationships with a mirrored reflection of a part of ourselves. I am aching for someone to hold a full-length mirror up for me, and someone who is interested in me doing the same for them. Taking a peak at myself through someone's miniature hand-held mirror gives me just a glimpse. I want to see the whole picture, the beautiful and the yet to be realized as beautiful, the inspiring and the needs to be inspired, the healed and that which yearns for the tender balm of another's kindness. I guess the symmetry would be someone on equal emotional, spiritual and mental ground. Being in the moment with someone who is brave enough to engage in the entire reflection process, head to toe.

This all makes sense to me, I hope it blesses each of you who read it. If it makes sense to me that has to be enough.

And if it has to be enough, why do I feel so lonely?

A friend of mine said: "I understand your longing, but I'm not sure what to say. I think my own mirror has distortions and cracks."

I responded with "What was God thinking to create human BEINGS to need each other, yet who are challenged by the very need? You, as we all do, have cracks and distortions. That is why having someone else to reflect back HONESTLY who we are is important. It helps us keep accurate perspective of ourselves. When we look at ourselves through those distortions and cracks we see who we are in a false fashion.Having someone who you trust to help you see the truth of who you are is essential. Having someone to reflect the truth of you back to you in a way that is loving, accepting and kind is vital."

As we grow and change sometimes we need honest feedback. Sometimes this type of honesty is hard to hear, but often it is even harder to give. I value all the people who have been willing to share their vision with me. I don't define myself by how other's see me, but it does give me a chance to question the answers of my life.

Sometimes I wish I knew how not to feel everything so deeply. How to be the essence of small talk, and things benign. The gift of forgetting to be so incredibly present at all times. Yet, this is not how I was created. I am deep, I am

am conscious of the presents in being present. And because of these things, i have a gift that most people seek. I also realize that this level of emotional availability can be exhausting for others. I will keep letting go into the current of life. My agenda to learn to love myself and show love to others is part of the flow of life's tide.

The funny thing is that I write to encourage and validate myself. My prayer is that my willingness to share my journey in public will add some beautiful dimension to someone else's life and offer validation for their experiences. Ultimately, this on-line diary is my quest for inner peace and value. My prayer is that it will be a supportive and loving tool for others to use in their own journey within. I see more similarities between us all then differences. From what I have witnessed, most of our journey's are similar, perhaps different characters, scenarios and settings, but overall the lessons are similar.

I am comforted by the commonality we share. Our willingness to show up sincerely for each other is daring and endearing. Jesus was genuinely Himself. I guess I am in good company.

Thanks for your time, your reading ears, and your hearts.

Great Love,

Laurie