The Letter

I awoke today with the words to describe how it feels to be me: Splintered Soul. I journaled about this phrase throughout church (Unity Christ Church). I came home and googled the phrase, and found it to be a diagnostic term used to determine the need for soul retrieval. I am 47 years old and have fought to LIVE for that entire time. I cannot remember a time when I didn't think "crossing over" sounded like the optimal option. The hope of ending my life when I finally have had enough is what keeps me going. Odd, isn't it? The comfort I feel in the thought of death? That very comfort is what keeps me breathing, although in many ways I feel comatose. This is a very difficult and intimate thing I am sharing with you, but honestly, the privacy doesn't matter anymore. I want to be fully alive or be fully dead. I am doing both things part way and the duplicity of the relationship I have with myself leaves me devoid of meaning or direction. At night, my soul returns in my sleep and I feel most myself and finally at "home". I don't want to waken. It is almost as if my body and my soul cannot occupy the same space, as if they have grown so distant from each other, that they are not at all comfortable or safe in each other's presence. How do I convince my soul that it is safe to return fully to my body, my life and my experience? How do I convince my body that it is not in physical danger when my deep and empathic soul is merged with it? There exists a chasm of fear between my body and soul, and even being an expert bridge builder, this leaves me at a loss.......creatively morabund in healing these two essential and most beloved aspects of my being-ness. How do I merge them? I don't want to force them, or coerce......Love is the greatest healing salve, but how does my body apply healing tears to my soul who will not get near it? and how does my soul embrace my body with the healing balm of truth when my body physically crumbles at the overwhelming fear associated with being spiritual? I am at Destiny's Crossroad, and I need a teacher. Jesus is my main man, and my role model. I realize that spiritually I have some beautiful and powerful Angelic protectors and guides, and that many loving beings surround me. Right now, though, I need someone with skin on to help me through this. I am willing and ready to show up and do the work. Being so very splintered has left me unable to work since February 2009, and severely depressed and isolated. I self-isolate so that I won't hurt anyone else, that being something I have feared for my entire life.

Yes there are many reasons for the splinters, physical, emotional, sexual, mental and spiritual abuse...yes I have had the opportunity to learn from everyone of them. I want to live, I want to know what it is like to feel "Life Is Good", I've never felt that. I want to know the excitement of breathing, and being grown-up. On a good day I feel at most 16. Funny, now that I write that I realize that I thought I would be dead by the time I was 16. Everyday of my life for 38 years I was guaranteed that I'd be dead by morning.

I know I can manifest anything I want and need. I choose this healing out of all the things in the world. For without this healing, everything else will have little if any meaning.

 I WANT MY SOUL BACK!!!!!!!! I've heard my stories ad nauseaeum and I want action. 30 years of talking therapy has kept me alive and helped midwife me into this deeply spiritual place, but I need something bigger, and more powerful. I'm sure being an RN for 25 years and being part of so many peoples traumas only magnified my soul and body fears, for I am a powerful healer and empath. Oddly enough, this is something I will heal on my own with or without outside help.

May seeds of light bloom at your feet, wherever they may be,

Laurie Marinelli

www.awakeningwithwings.blogspot.com/

This is my online spiritual diary.

I will awaken with wings................................

Before I chose to post this insight, I asked my daughter Natalie to read it. With tears in her eye's she looked at me and said "I have something I want to read to you that will give you an ides of why I understand you mommy. Why I can genuinely support you."

Natalie brought me this poem which she wrote when she was 13:

Alone & Asleep

I lay in my room

alone & asleep

Dreaming the dreams

That I wish I could keep

I dream of a life

Where I feel not ashamed

And there love is real

& I am not blamed

For things I don't do

and things just go away

and once in my life,

I actually feel okay.

The things that I feel

Alone & Asleep

These feelings I hope

that I could so keep.

But when I wake up,

Reality Hits

And my world of a dream

becomes pieces and bits.

No longer am I

Alone & Asleep

But in a world

that will make me weep.

Where life is lonely

and no one's around

to take care of you

when life turns you down.

The life that I had

Alone & Asleep

is now long gone,

I took a big leap.

Into THIS world

where I do not belong

and wish for that place

where I 'm safe and I'm strong.

The bravery it takes

to be here and now,

the other place I want,

But NOW, Tell Me How.

How do I get

to that place I so long...

Alone & Asleep

is where I belong.

-Natalie Vazquez, 09/2004

I am humbled, and naked.....oh this is so humbling.......my daughter carries part of me....my depth.....and my height.......oh the life she will lead, and the stories she will tell.

8/12/14 4 am update: I just re read this and am cut to the quick with the sadness of Natalie's poem. Right now my daughters are going through some difficult grief and some old wounds keep them from seeking comfort with me. I heard her poem as she read it to me 4 years ago but I didn't feel it. Now I feel it. She was mirroring how lost I felt and that lost part of me encultured her own feelings of not being a part of anything. 
I am so sorry Natalie. I am learning and practicing  feeling "found" within myself, to feel at home in this body and this life. I pray that as I grow you will feel more found and at home in your own life. I wish I could kiss your boo-boos and fix them with a band-aid. I am here. I love you. I always will.
Come to me when you are ready.
With open arms and heart I wait. Practicing patience.

You are Precious,
Mom

(Laurie)