Hugs Needed: Apply Within

Hello all.

It's been 2 tough weeks, and now that the numbness and shock has worn off, the sadness and the tears have arrived. It's tough for me to write words of encouragement when I am feeling one breath away from disintegration. When I am faced with learning some difficult lessons, I go within my cave. I withdraw from the life around me, and step fully into the life within me. It takes me time, and tenderness to embrace the changes and the gifts. Integrating the impact these new findings have on my life is deeply intense. Although I appreciate my ability to learn the lessons, I don't do well with the isolation thing. It becomes physically painful, which only adds another dimension to an experience that is already tough. How I wish I had someone to climb in my cave with me, and not be afraid. This human thing is so tough sometimes, and I cherish the knowing that one day I'll have someone to share life with. A partner in joy, and a reminder of what I intrinsically know about myself and everyone else. Someone to remember hope with, celebrate being human with, and accept unconditionally.

Although you all may find this redundant, I am incapable of small talk today. I ache for symmetry in being....what I mean by that is... we always provide each other in all relationships with a mirrored reflection of a part of ourselves. I am aching for someone to hold a full-length mirror up for me, and someone who is interested in me doing the same for them. Taking a peak at myself through someone's miniature hand-held mirror gives me just a glimpse. I want to see the whole picture, the beautiful and the yet to be realized as beautiful, the inspiring and the needs to be inspired, the healed and that which yearns for the tender balm of another's kindness. I guess the symmetry would be someone on equal emotional, spiritual and mental ground. Being in the moment with someone who is brave enough to engage in the entire reflection process, head to toe.

This all makes sense to me, I hope it blesses each of you who read it. If it makes sense to me that has to be enough.

And if it has to be enough, why do I feel so lonely?

A friend of mine said: "I understand your longing, but I'm not sure what to say. I think my own mirror has distortions and cracks."

I responded with "What was God thinking to create human BEINGS to need each other, yet who are challenged by the very need? You, as we all do, have cracks and distortions. That is why having someone else to reflect back HONESTLY who we are is important. It helps us keep accurate perspective of ourselves. When we look at ourselves through those distortions and cracks we see who we are in a false fashion.Having someone who you trust to help you see the truth of who you are is essential. Having someone to reflect the truth of you back to you in a way that is loving, accepting and kind is vital."

As we grow and change sometimes we need honest feedback. Sometimes this type of honesty is hard to hear, but often it is even harder to give. I value all the people who have been willing to share their vision with me. I don't define myself by how other's see me, but it does give me a chance to question the answers of my life.

Sometimes I wish I knew how not to feel everything so deeply. How to be the essence of small talk, and things benign. The gift of forgetting to be so incredibly present at all times. Yet, this is not how I was created. I am deep, I am

am conscious of the presents in being present. And because of these things, i have a gift that most people seek. I also realize that this level of emotional availability can be exhausting for others. I will keep letting go into the current of life. My agenda to learn to love myself and show love to others is part of the flow of life's tide.

The funny thing is that I write to encourage and validate myself. My prayer is that my willingness to share my journey in public will add some beautiful dimension to someone else's life and offer validation for their experiences. Ultimately, this on-line diary is my quest for inner peace and value. My prayer is that it will be a supportive and loving tool for others to use in their own journey within. I see more similarities between us all then differences. From what I have witnessed, most of our journey's are similar, perhaps different characters, scenarios and settings, but overall the lessons are similar.

I am comforted by the commonality we share. Our willingness to show up sincerely for each other is daring and endearing. Jesus was genuinely Himself. I guess I am in good company.

Thanks for your time, your reading ears, and your hearts.

Great Love,

Laurie