Finding Avalon

Hello All,

I have been working to hurry up and get through the mists, so that I may find my muse again. Pushing, and shoving the fear around, as if that was all it needed in order to be melted away. Hurry, hurry, hurry, push, push, push, shove, shove, shove. It has not worked so well. And, because I function best when I can see clearly, I have been blocking my own ability to work through the clouds of illusion. In other words, I have been experiencing "stuck". This morning I was looking through my library for a "light read" that would afford me the break from feeling so off track, that I could no longer find the value in breathing. My hand reached into the mass of books, and withdrew Gary Zukov's "Seat of the Soul". I have owned this book since it's first printing in 1989, 21 years now. I have set out to read it a few times, but the vocabulary was something I hadn't been familiar with, and it has remained unread. Today when I opened it I recognized the message as that of my own. It's funny how when the student is ready the teacher will show up. Twenty-one years later I am ready for Gary Zukov.

Being stuck in the mire of life has been frustrating. My head knows that I am living in a 4-wheel drive physical being, and my wheels have been spinning in the mud of my life. I have been waiting on a friend to help me remember how to get this vehicle to move into 4 wheel drive and free me from the muck-stuckness. I have fought out loud with God, demanded that He show up for me, insisted that I deserve Him to show me the way, reminded Him of my willingness to serve Him, lectured Him on the fact that He had provided Jesus with 12 men and 2 women as companions and cheerleaders 24/7/365, and instructed God to talk with Jesus if He needed to understand the human need for intimacy. I have bitched and moaned and whined and felt physical pain for the past month, due to my unwillingness to let go and feel "Hurray" instead of "Hurry". I have been a whiny petulant child wanting Him to do it for me, and instead what I found this morning is the creative drive to find it for myself.

Two days ago I was feeling so lost, I sobbed to my daughter, a wise and beautiful almost 19 year old. I hadn't done my taxes, and truth be told, the reason I hadn't done them was because I didn't think I'd still be around and breathing come April 15, 2010. I had been counting on my spiritual address changing to something without a zip-code. It had been up to me to change that zip-code, and when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it. My daughter Natalie grabbed me by the shoulders and said

"Mommy, you have to trust God, you have to trust the signs, but you can't see them with your eyes closed. Open your eyes mommy. OPEN YOUR EYES! Know that the only way past this is through the freakin middle of it, and YOU CAN DO THIS! God will take care of you with you, but you have to be willing to meet Him half way."

How did this child of mine ever get so wise?

In this vast sea of life I have lived by a simple metaphor. I have often heard that as a human we should come with an instruction manual. The God I work for would not birth us onto this planet without some inherent guidance, so, many years ago I set out to search for "The Missing Instruction Manual For Living 101". Years of looking outside of myself yielded nothing. A few clear moments of extreme searching within yielded the Truth. It took all the courage I could muster to find the instructions, for there was a huge alligator and piranha infested moat between me and them. Beauty befell me, when I realized that they were my alligators and piranha's, and I was the only one who could charm them. Befriending the aspects of me that appeared less than friendly was one of my more important resurrections, it gave me the courage to continue blessing the aspects of myself that are so desperately in need of love and believe they are seperate from God, the source of all Love. Everyday a new aspect of myself emerges, or exposes itself as a need for healing and blessing. Resurrection no longer being the destination, but the journey.

The instruction manual lies within the very essence of who we are. As God is weaving the fabric of our soul together, He intertwines the things that bring us individually True Joy. A good glass of red wine can bring me joy, but that is temporary. Good sex can bring me joy, but this is also temporary. These are not the things of joy that I am referring to. When we explore who we are, and then determine the things within us that bring us everlasting joy, and ***BONUS*** benefit the world around us eternally, then we have tapped into our wealth as a being. Figuring out what truly makes our heart beat eagerly, keeps us yearning for continued breath, keeps our perspective at a higher level, and makes life's challenges worth overcoming is vital. As a ship sets sail from port, heading out to sea, it must follow it's channel markers. The channel markers show the way that is safe and deep enough to allow the boat to flow out to sea without running aground, or damaging it's hull. The things in our hearts and souls that bring us true joy in our lives are our channel markers. If we go firmly in the direction of the things that inherently make us joyful beings, then all we will leave in the wake of our life is happiness, beauty and wisdom. Trying to get our ships out onto the sea of life without using our channel markers of joy leaves chaos, panic and disorder in our wake, and inevitably, we run aground.

John Lennon once said "Living is easy with eyes closed." In many ways I must ignore the world and it's painfilled agenda, in order to keep living. Not having had cable in 3 years certainly helps keep the agony of the world at bay. But to live my life, honoring the gifts I have to share, the gifts that bring me utter joy, I must keep my internal eyes always open. I choose to see the good in all things, even if it takes me a month or more to find them. I choose to experience the beauty of life, even if I have to fight my demons over the dominion of my happiness. And God's good will always conspire in my favor, as long as I keep within my channel markers. Life-serving, Life-honoring, Life-giving channel markers......these are my ships treasure map, and I will always follow it.

May all your treasure maps be guided by YOUR JOY!

Utterly Loving You,

Laurie