Side Effects

With a little help from my friends, I have learned important life lessons. Marianne taught me that emotionally, there is only fear or love. All behavior and thought is generated by one of these two choices. Eckhart and Margaret taught me that the experience of fear, anger or frustration is a beckoning from within to address an unhealed aspect of myself. The ego is our ability to rationalize our less than divine aspects. Buddha taught me that
"All that we are is the result of what we have thought."
Jesus taught me that in order for me to love my neighbor, I must first love myself. Gandhi, or Gan as his closest friends called him, taught me
"Be the change you want to see in the world."
And God taught me that I can only be my brothers keeper, when I realize that I am my brother.
So tonight I will address an issue that has helped me keep my arrogance well honed, and my ego smiling.
The pharmaceutical companies.
I have been an RN for 25 years. I graduated from FSU in 1985, Sigma Theta Tau, in the top 5% of my class. Although I had become an extraordinary co-dependent early in life, becoming a nurse nearly perfected the belief I held in my life: I could fix everybody's problems. It didn't matter if they were emotional, physical, spiritual or mental. I was a Co-Dependent Super Hero. There was a huge red "C" emblazoned on my chest, and I strutted my intelligence with a swagger of cockiness. Manipulation was a specialty. Because I knew I could fix everyone else's problems, I viewed my controlling nature as a blessing to the community. And because I believed it, I succeeded. At least I thought I did.
Yes, many people were helped, even healed by my committment to outsmarting illness, and injury. My patients loved me, and I loved them, as much as I knew how. I had learned to confuse control and manipulation for love. I justified my self-righteousness as a nurse because I got such beautiful ego strokes from those I cared for. Except from my own children.
Children have a way of being your ego's biggest buzz-kill. And I mean that in the most loving way possible. My kids saw through the smoke and crackle of the illusion I had created and they called me on my shit. Repeatedly. My ego's white-knuckle hold onto my abilities as a Maestro of Everyone Else's Symphony was challenged daily by the truth of who I was, as reported to me by my children. God, they have been my toughest critics and greatest cheerleaders. I thank God that I was blessed with such confidant, and wise children. They have taught me volumes about becoming real. I was their velveteen rabbit. They believed I was real. Every day they would remind me of how "real" I was. My controlling nature was a "real" pain in their asses. The patience they extended to me is comparable to the Grace of God.
It took me 20 years of nursing to get the whole idea of medicine. It seemed to me, as I handed 45 year olds their 14 meds in a white cup, that these people were taking medications to treat the side effects of their other medications. Was it possible? Were my patients prescribed medications that required other medications that required other medications to alleviate the side effects of each medication? If so, when did the cycle end? Or did it? My heart and mind thought on these things often. I prayed for understanding. I prayed for the ability to conform. I prayed for the ability to be a good team player as a medical nurse. Then one day I saw someone else's committment to be right, take a patients life.
Was it illegal? No. The patient consented to it. Was it moral? To some it was the most moral and rational of decisions. Was it right? This is where I fell off the band-wagon.
That's when I started praying to be given the guidance to do the right thing. Right to God, not myself, not my colleagues, not the administration, right to God alone was my plea. I could no longer perpetuate the medicine cycle that was not only decreasing the quality of my patients lives, but was financially raping them blind.
Round peg, square hole wouldn't work for me any longer.
I attended a group meeting this past weekend. We are supporting each other in learning to ride the waves of life as they whip around us. I finally heard myself talking, as I was addressing the suggestion of "being gentle with yourself". I had heard those words more times than I could count in therapy. What the fuck does that phrase mean? It had eluded me for 29 years, as I had started therapy when I was 18 years old. That moment, in that group, I prayed for clarity on the idea of gentleness to self.
As I laid in bed tonight, before I fell asleep, I prayed for creative intervention in my thinking and my life. I awoke promptly at 1:38 am, and bathed my puppy. Don't ask why, for I have no idea. I sensed it was the right thing for me to do. As it is impossible to bathe a 60 lb puppy and remain dry, I showered while he was joyfully rolling his freshly washed fur on my pillow and sheets. It was in the shower that Side Effects crystallized.
If I was frustrated with the pharmaceutical companies, it must be an issue from within me that was asking for some healing. As I stepped out of the shower, I saw it. My life was filled with stuff to treat the side effects of other stuff in my life.
ie: I started smoking cigarettes at the age of 42. I have had 5 bouts of asthmatic bronchitis, chronic wheezing, weight gain of over 50 pounds, frequent sore throats, colds and migraines in these past 5 years. I own my own nebulizer machine. I have a variety of inhalers. I brush my teeth 4-5 times a day. I eat after smoking. I smoke after eating. My right index finger has the lingering aroma of an ashtray. I have to take "allergy" medicine for the chronic wheezing. I have to take daily medication to prevent migraines. I had 96 migraines in 42 days 4 years ago, and then had 12 migraines a month for the next few years, until I found a medication to treat the migraine side effect of smoking.
Ouch! As I peruse this cycle of perpetual un-gentleness towards myself, I start to make sense of where I am mentally and emotionally, and how I am physically. I realize that I have put a great deal of time into my emotional and spiritual life. I have invested very little in my physical health and or well being. I had repeatedly taken myself to the brink of physical bankruptcy, and continued to spend what was left of my body as if I had a do-it-yourself cloning kit in my garage. No wonder I had issues with those who extort the gifts they have. I have been totally guilty of this with my very own self.
Although I do not see all the side effects of all my less than kind self behaviors yet, I will. This has been an amazing eye-opener, for me. Interesting that I woke up for a wake up call. God is amusing that way. I'm sure as I investigate the side effects in my life, I will realize and manifest the practices and habits of healing them.
I envision a me which is healed, and
The only side effect of my life is joy.
With great Love,
XOX,
Laurie