Improving the Flavor of Crow

Hi World!

Hope you are being kind to you. Hope that you feel the love that envelopes you. Hope that you know how valuable you are.

These are precepts that I live my life by. Kindness, love and value. I enjoy being kind, showing love and seeing others as valuable. But I am frustrated right now with myself. Here's the scenario:

I went to church for a meeting this morning. We meet before church to support each other as we are all undergoing some major spiritual learning experiences. I sit in these meetings, get caught up in the Spirit of the discussion and share my heart and thoughts freely. I am committed to becoming the best version of me. My desire to understand great and holy wisdom takes over. If I am understanding what is going on, I contribute. If I don't understand what is being said, I sit there with a confused furrowed brow. My confused furrowed brow seemed to frustrate someone I value and respect, the leader of the group. My expression shares my heart. I have no idea how people "smile while your heart is breaking." This is not a skill of mine. Happy=Smile, Sad=No Smile, Frustrated=Pursed Lips, Contemplative=Tapping my forehead with my eyes closed. I didn't understand what the moderator was saying, or the questions he was asking. I tried to get some clarification, but the energy shifted in the room as I searched for the clarity. I wanted to receive the pearls of widom he was offering, but my synapses were not synapsing. I was having a Menopause Moment. Clarity was escaping me.

I sensed that I offended the wise man who was leading the group, and he has the patience of Job.
My only agenda was to understand and be loving. Epic Fail. Or an Epic Opportunity to Learn a Lesson. I choose learning the lesson.

So I live my life to Love. I want the world to receive Love from Spirit through my heart, my words and my actions. Spirit is the life source of Love. I have learned that in relationship, any kind of relationship, we tend to mirror each other. Sometimes we look into the mirror of each other and compare our reflection to what we see in the other. As I carry around my little basket of love, dropping it hither and yon, those who need it most, are the one's most often offended by it. It's an interesting and challenging cycle. When we are feeling our least loveable, we need Love the most. If someone tries to give us love when we are feeling our least loveable, we judge tham as crazy for their willingness to care for us. How harshly we cast judgement on ourselves. The illusion is this:
It is easier to believe someone is crazy if they want to love us, than to believe that we are worthy of love when we are the least beautiful version of ourselves. No wonder I have been called crazy so often in my life. I just want to love people, and it freaks them out. I have googled crazy more times than I can count, and I was tested for crazy. It came out negative. Just a little depressed.
Do I back off on the Loving? Become more like everyone else? Less like the real me?
These are my thoughts, but are clearly not options for me.
I may not win any popularity contests, but hey, Jesus wasn't concerned about being popular. He just wanted us to get the message to Love One Another. As long as I don't let Jesus down or tick Him off then I am happy.

I apologize for offending anyone today.
The flavor of crow is always better with a side of Compassion.
May Your Happiness Guide You Always,
XOX
Laurie