Moving Forward

Hello.

I've heard said "Keep your friends close and enemies closer." My life over the last month has been a revelation of how I innately did this as I entered this world via my family of origin. I've also heard that we pick our families as a means to fulfill the spiritual contract we signed up for in this lifetime. If you have been reading this on-line diary, you know that I am committed to going all the way down the rabbit hole, so from that you can rightfully deduce I picked a really tough human family to be born into. Oh the lessons I have learned from them! I have watched my family of origin for 45 years, observed them, monitored the dynamics, tried to manipulate their agenda's and enlighten them to a higher purpose. I continually tried to shoehorn them into love and kindness. It didn't seem to work.

Two years ago I stopped. I let go. I let them go. I realized that each of us has free will, and it was not my place to "control" their choices, and honestly, we can only impact our own choices. I had been functioning within an illusion. The illusion of my ability to control others. As I let go, and walked forward on my journey, without my family of origin, life became less dramatic, and the air fresher. I could breathe for the first time, and the weight I had taken respoonsibility of vanished. I began living my life, and have never regretted the choice I made to let them go. Please understand, I love my family very much, and I love me. I had to let go into the river of MY life, and at this time I do it alone. The most loving thing I could do for my family of origin(foo) was to honor their God given birthright of free will, and live within my integrity.

Within the last month, my foo's shit has hit the proverbial fan.
I have always said that the truth is like water, it always finds it's way to the surface, and it has. It is difficult to watch people you love awaken into the life they have created, for often that life is riddled with puzzles, fear and anger from a very distant time. My heart aches for them as they see who they are, and try to run from taking responsibility for what they created. Yet, in the end of each stage, we must identify who we have been, choose what aspects of us we want to take forward, and say goodbye to the broken and debilitating facets of our lives that never really served our higher purpose. Then we start a new level of life, in a world with more integrity and humility, defined by our desires,beliefs and dreams. It is in this space where the liberation finds us.

So much of life and the earth is changing. Many of us have come to earth, been born on earth for just these times. We are the ballasts of change, as it rocks the vessels of everyone and everything around us. Every moment of every day we are creating the beauty of the next now, now, now. I see how empowered we are to create a world that works for everyone, all living things, alas I have come face to face with belief systems that challenge me. I believe that we are all facets of the One Source, God,The Light, The Truth. Yes, we each have a different perspective because we all have had such different journeys.

I imagine a ball of light as God at the center. Each of our journeys is an individual pin-point of light emanating from the center. That ray of pin-point light is our path, and we move along it. Sometimes we move closer to the center ball of all truth and wisdom. Sometimes we choose to move away from it, and the light is harder to see, and even sometimes we pick a spot and just remain there for a while. Our spiritual journeys are in constant flux, and we can move fluidly with them or resist their current. We all travel in different rhythms and with different reasons, and I feel it is through grace that we are given the opportunity to see oursleves and others with kind eyes. Yet here is where things get blurry for me.

Recently I attended a meeting for "spiritual encouragement" and I was sharing the lesson I was experiencing at the time. I was crying and pouring my heart out, and being quite sincere and vulnerable. I was sharing the fear I had about standing in the Power Of the Source, for when I had done so in the past I had been physically, mentally and emotionally punished by people, especially men. I wanted to recreate this thought paradigm and I was genuinely eager to facilitate this shift. The man on my left stated that my thought paradigm would not shift, that it was not possible, and that I was destined for failure. I waited for the moderator of the class to intervene, but he did not. I asked the group if they had witnessed what had just happened. Everyone sat mute, except the man on my left who laughed and said "See! I am glad I am giving you the opportunityto feel this on such a deep level. I am honored to be the one". I gave the man on my left the middle finger salute with both hands.

I was hurting, I was open, I was vulnerable and someone took the oppportunity to try and wield more pain into my woundedness. I explained how hurt I felt as a result of his comments. He laughed. I got up and left the group. I realize he was echoing the pain I was already feeling. If we are each experiencing our journey as lessons learned and gifts gleaned, then indeed must we ever apologize for hurting someone? This man has never apologized, and has relished in the thought of having contributed to my pain, which he even told me I was not experiencing. He had a spiritual epiphany last week, and woke up to his life. But he thinks that Grace supercedes all previous actions, and negates his karma. Is this true?

When I awoke in my life, I was tremendously humbled. I saw how I had created a thought paradigm at age 4, in order to survive, and how 41 years later I was still living it. I saw the immaturity of that thought system and how it undermined me as the light I am, and the vast amount of collateral damage it caused to those around me. I started making amends out of humility, and asking for forgiveness. The hardest person to get forgiveness from was myself, but it came.

Are we really to act any way we wish, and toss the consequences aside? Are we to be unkind even cruel to each other and to hell with the impact, because if we hurt or caused fear in someone else it is their issue to deal with, their lesson to learn, and we have actually done them a favor? This is so tough for me to wrap my head around. Isn't there an accountability we all have to each other, through the sacred contract of our words, and an accountability to our unity in Oneness through our deeds? I realize I cannot make someone apologize to me or anyone else. I also realize that we all walk a different path, but the closer we move into the light, don't we all see the same Truth? Isn't there one truth?And isn't that one truth laden with integrity,integratedness of being? What we do to the part impacts the whole, and we are responsible for the betterment of each other through the betterment of ourselves. Does grace absolve us from being responsible and kind in our actions with others?

If Indeed Grace negates our responsibility to each other, then is this the world we will create as the old one passes away? Creating a new earth system that works for everyone would require integrity and kindness to be a given. If only a few live by the code of integrity and kindness, then there will be little accountability, and then governments will arise again, since we humans as a majority can't seem to master kindergarten lessons 101.

The new earth I envision is a world beyond mental and physical borders. A world where our hearts and souls are safe to be honest and real. A world where malevolence is obsolete, and compassion is the holy currency we exchange. Where the One Truth, the One Unity In the One God resides and rules our individual expression, no governments are needed.....for we are led by the purest place of all....our heart.

The above questions are not rhetorical in nature. Responses would be greatly appreciated.

May seeds of truth bloom in your essence so that you can remain in Love's pure cascade,

Laurie